Couples conflicts often center around in-laws, especially Mother-in-Laws. Here is a story about a (heterosexual) relationship. Although the details are specific to this couple, the pattern, the story of what brought this couple into therapy is actually quite common. It is a story of frustration. One that causes many women to feel frustrated and left behind, and many men to feel confused and pulled in too many directions at once.
Eddie was born in the 80s, the first and only child to a mother whom he calls a saint, and the father he calls a lowlife. Eddie remembers his mother ironing, cleaning, sweeping, changing sheets, and maintaining a smooth-running house. Even when his father came in drunk, which became an almost nightly event, her cleaning routine was not disrupted. Eddie’s father would glance at his son, and just as quickly, look away, leaving Eddie to wonder if he had imagined the brief eye contact in the first place. After Eddie was sent to bed for the night, he sometimes heard shouting and shattering dishes once or twice, but otherwise the home was quiet. Still.
Eddie’s father did not stumble through the door at his usual 7pm one Monday evening in 1987. The clock ticked along, 7:07…7:08…7:09 the air was tense. Eddie glanced from the clock to his mother and back again. At 8:30, Eddie’s mother shuffled him off to bed. Neither said a word about the missing piece of the family, until Eddie’s mother patted Eddie on the head and said with a strained voice, “Go on to sleep now. It will be alright.”
After that evening, and the next, and the next, as Eddie’s father continued to not return, Eddie watched the life in his mother slip away. The house was still clean, the beds and lunches made, but suddenly Eddie’s mother aged overnight. With no technical skills, his mother became a cleaner at a hotel. Her hair grayed and her once vibrant skin dulled. He heard her up late at night when she should have been asleep, and saw her isolate from friends. When they did visit family, she often sat with slumped shoulders and downcast eyes.
Eddie decided it was his job to keep his mother happy. He couldn’t bring his father back, but he could try to accomplish more and please her so she didn’t have to think of his father. Daily, he came right home after school and started to help her around the house. He cooked with her, ate with her, and told her about his day. He spent the evenings studying while she puttered around the house, before they settled into watching a show together. He especially liked watching the ones which made his mother laugh.
Eddie’s mother never entertained another romantic interest as he grew. Eddie felt it was his obligation to stay with his mother, who he perceived as lonely. He often felt too guilty to socialize with friends, or doing anything that pulled him away from his mother. Because of all the studying and effort Eddie put into school, he surpassed many of his peers academically and easily won scholarships to the top schools. His mother beamed when he showed her a pile of acceptance letters. He was her hero child. Eddie decided on a school close to his mother’s home so he could still live with her. He worked parttime to help support her. At school, he met the woman who would be his future wife, Min.
Min grew up out of town with two parents whose marriage she described as happy for the most part. She had four siblings and was the middle child. Min loved the hustle and bustle of a large family. As a child, she often picked up on the emotional undertones of her family’s dynamics. She liked everyone to get along and was often the family peacemaker. She decided that she wanted to go away for school and her family was supportive.
When Min and Eddie met, she felt an instant connection. Their relationship developed over the next few years. For every school break, Eddie would stay in town and Min returned to her family home. She had a nagging feeling that something wasn’t right about that. She pressured Eddie to come with her, but he continually stated he could not leave his mother alone. Min felt lucky she found someone who loved his mother so much, but felt…jealous, in a way. She wanted Eddie’s devotion pointed toward her for once.
Min brushed these concerns away and thought it would eventually change as their relationship grew. She didn’t want to create conflict because there was so much good in the rest of the relationship. She kept silent, and the relationship continued. Eddie and Min eventually married. Eddie’s mom proved to be highly involved in their lives even after their marriage. They spoke every day, had frequent dinners, and Min and Eddie moved just down the street from his mother.
When Eddie and Min had their first child, Eddie’s mom came over every day. She wanted to hold the baby, she directed Eddie and Min how to parent the baby, when to put her to sleep, when to feed her. Min felt this behaviour was intrusive and spoke to Eddie about it. Min thought Eddie’s mom was over-involved, controlling, and rude.
Eddie didn’t see what the problem was. He defended his mother. He explained to Min she was just trying to help, it was his mom, and he couldn’t abandon her. He blamed Min for disrupting the relationship with him mom.
As the months went on, Min grew more resentful of Eddie, his mother, and their relationship. Eddie was irritated that Min couldn’t see how special his mom was and how much his mom needed him. Where they rarely fought before, Eddie and Min were now snapping back and forth, exchanging bitter remarks. Min thought Eddie was a momma’s boy, Eddie thought Min was cold-hearted. Every time Eddie’s mom came up in conversation, the air was tense, neither said much, and both parties were left unhappy.
The partners began to pick out everything they disliked about each other. Both felt misunderstood and unheard. What could they do? Who was wrong? How can this couple get to a place where they both felt understood? Was there any hope for their relationship or are they doomed?
Is this a familiar situation for you or someone you know? Do you need some help in trying to sort out these problems and build the boundaries around your relationship? Book an appointment with one of our counsellors today.
