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Relationship counselling. Who needs it, who might benefit, who can go without it?

If you are anything like me, you may spend a decent amount of time feeling like a child in a woman’s body, married with children, in a career or running your own company, but on the inside still feeling like a younger version of yourself, who doesn’t recognize the wrinkles and grey hair that have seemed to come out of nowhere.

On the outside, again if you’re like me, you may speak to people relatively calmly (for the most part), assertively when you need to, handle contracts and business transactions like you know what you’re doing, getting married and having babies, handling meal planning and grocery shopping – all the while on the inside screaming: This is too much! I don’t know how to do any of this! I’m not made for this! When did this happen to me?!

Every day, day in and out, most of us are confronted with choice points that can enhance or diminish our relationships. We see, speak to, don’t speak to, are vulnerable through, defensive of, light-hearted or superficial with, partners, children, parents, other family members, colleagues, and friends. What makes any of these relationships run smoothly, how do you know if you positively contributing to a relationship, and if so, how do you know if what you’re doing is enough to sustain or improve what you have?

There are many elements to what makes a relationship run smoothly and what causes stumbling blocks. Something I was not taught – at home or at school – and something most people I know were not taught either.

If you take a minute to think about your relationships, can you bring one to mind where you experience conflict? Reflect on the following:

• Can you identify the source of the conflict, or does the conflict seem to blindside you?
• Does conflict occur more often than you would like, or think is even healthy?
• What is the most painful part of this relationship?
• Which behavior or words trigger you the most?

Now that you have this relationship and the painful experience in mind, consider if you’re able to:

• Maintain composure even in the hardest moments?
• Take a time out when you can identify you are being triggered?
• Understand why you sometimes overreact to things this person says or does?
• Ask for what you need from your partner without guilt or apologizing?
• Be okay with the other person not giving you everything you think you want?
• Be relational? Do you even know what that means?

These are relational skills often lacking in most people who find themselves in any kind of relationship. So – pretty much everyone. When they are in place, they are often not thought of. However, when they are absent, you can typically recognize it as cracks that start to show up between you and someone else.

When these elements are absent, their lack might keep you up at night, unable to turn off thoughts about went wrong, what could you have done better, or what the other person (typically your partner) should do to keep you happy. Sound familiar?

Don’t worry, the situation is not completely hopeless. There is another way. Wouldn’t it be nice to be in a mature relationship where you can be heard and cherished, and simultaneously be the type of person that can hear and cherish others? Imagine showing up in a relationship as your best self, who doesn’t feel like a teenager trapped in a woman’s body.

This kind of relationship is possible AND takes practice. Lots of it. But what exactly is someone who practices relational love actually practicing? Well, here is a list:

• Giving and receiving feedback and working through triggers that can and will arise in doing so. This includes the ability to identify specifically what bothers you, why it does (does it remind you of a painful memory from your childhood or from a past relationship?) and express your hurt in a way that brings you closer to other person rather than creating more distance? This also includes really hearing what another person is trying to communicate to you, beyond what they say in words or behavior.
• Shifting out of complaint-mode to request-mode. This involves identifying and embracing what you want in your relationship with that person instead of complaining about what is not happening or what you’re not receiving.
• Taking responsibility for yourself. Mature love requires you to be able to identify and hold boundaries for yourself and not expecting someone else to do your own personal growth.
• Speaking to make things better. This involves using your words and communication strategies to promote closeness instead of distance.
• Listening to understand. This involves listening for the messages beyond the other person’s words to see where their hurt lies.

These skills seem like no-brainers but actually committing to practicing them while your fears of abandonment, rejection, and emotional annihilation are triggered is a completely different story. Think back to the relationship you thought of earlier:

• How many of the above skills are present in this relationship?
• How often?
• Does any 1 skill stand out as one you use often? How does this impact the relationship?
• Does any 1 skill stand out as one you don’t use at all? How does this impact the relationship?
• Which skill do you think you can employ that would improve your relationship today?
• Do you feel any resistance to using any of the skills? If so, why?

These skills typically become even more important when a clash or argument arises. Each person comes into a relationship with a conflict style or pattern. Ironically, in a romantic relationship, your partner’s style can often be the exact one that triggers you the most. You may even exchange your partner for a better, newer, shinier version, and end up in the exact same position with the same problems you found in previous relationships. When this happens, we typically enter the disillusionment phase of the relationship and conflict arises.

What is your conflict style – do you shut down, explode, retaliate, control, or have a need to be right? How does that impact your partner?  For instance, you may experience a dance of sorts, a pattern, where you shut down and your partner explodes, causing you to further withdraw, and them to get louder. Alternatively, you may feel justified to tell your partner what they do wrong and why you’re right, and this causes your partner to shut down. And so on…

If you do none of these – you either practice mature relational skills or are love avoidant, and never get close enough to someone to be triggered in the first place. For the rest of us just trying to get through day-to-day putting out small conflict fires or better yet, trying to live optimally and have an ideal romantic relationship, we could probably use some extra help.

If you’re reading this article, there is probably a little girl inside of you screaming for change in your relationship. You might be in a lot of pain and want improvement but are not sure how to get it.

What is stopping you from reaching out for help? Commonly, individuals and couples can be scared to come to therapy for the fear of saying or hearing something that they think may irreversibly change the relationship for the worst. Sometimes, couples think learning new skills won’t help and their partner just needs to do xyz better (translation, they need to do what I want them to do, then I can be happy). These concerns are totally common, reasonable and valid.

It is also reasonable and valid to want a better connection with people who are important to you, where vulnerability, deep intimacy, and having someone on your side are the cornerstones of your relationship. Wouldn’t that be amazing? What are you waiting for?

Our counsellors work with both individuals – yes individuals can learn these valuable skills too – and couples to learn strategies to break old patterns and learn to become relational. Book your session today!