Are you feeling lonely, excluded, or simply that you do not “fit”?
Every last one of us has felt this thought at some point in our lives. Some feel this more often, and some less often, but everyone has felt like this.
Where does a thought like I don’t belong and its close cousins I’m not good enough, No one likes me, No one pays attention to me, Why do other people get attention and I don’t, What’s wrong with me, I must be defective, Something about me is wrong, even come from?
Have you ever sat down and reflected where and/or how this belief developed inside you? Is there a distinct time in your life when you realized you don’t belong? What was that pivotal moment when you came to the decision that you don’t belong? What happened when you had this thought? Some people feel lonely, some hurt, some react to others in an irritated manner, some are passive aggressive, and some hurt themselves or others through destructive means.
You may even have had experiences in your life that prove that you do not belong. You have evidence. Someone in your family of origin may have directly told you this, from rejection by a peer group at school or work, or from a traumatic ending of a relationship. How was it communicated to you that you were an outsider?
Picture a scenario where the thought I don’t belong was a clear driving force that impacted the way you did things or acted. What was the scenario? Does a memory come up? Allow your mind to take yourself back in time to that moment or day. See if you can visualize the younger you who feels rejected, abandoned and so different. Notice what younger you looks like. Really see, hear, and feel the proof that you are not good enough. Notice if there is anything younger you wants to communicate with you.
Which emotions stir alongside the thought of not belonging and not being enough to belong? Perhaps there is a sense of vulnerability, fear, disgust, shame, anger…perhaps all of these…perhaps something different. Feel the sensations that come up for you, inside. Where does the feeling of not belonging land? Perhaps a pit in your belly, a heaviness in the heart, a weight on your shoulders. Perhaps it is a stabbing pain, a tingling sensation or a dull heaviness.
What is it like to simply sit with this thought and this memory? What is it like to remember this scene, this time, when you learned this? How does it make you feel today? Have you noticed there is a urge to do something with the uncomfortable energy that has arisen? To escape, eat, smoke, drink, spend, gamble, self-harm, fight, yell or freeze and numb out?
Think back on how you have handled these urges in the past. You may have given in to them. They may have turned into a compulsion. You may have resisted the urges and white knuckled your way through the day. You may have soldiered through the day but the distress followed you into the night affecting your sleep by either not allowing you to fall and/or stay asleep.
If you feel these thoughts currently, it might show up in your life when you least expect it, when everything (on paper) is going well. Alternatively, it may be a constant companion in your day-to-day life. In your darkest times, I don’t belong may be the words that hijack your mind and affect the way you look at and engage with the world. You may experience a constant running voice in your mind reminding you that you don’t belong, you’re not enough and you and your needs and unworthy of being heard.
Going through life with a sense of exclusion and not fitting in can have a HUGE negative impact in your current life. Carrying these thoughts and feelings around may encourage you to isolate which can increase the sense of being outsider, like no one is on your side, or like no one “gets” you. And any or all of these may occur:
- Speaking loudly or “too much” to make people pay attention to you
- Returning home from work feeling worthless, like you had to fake being happy all day
- Noticing the people around you being able to have a range of feelings but that you are accepted only when you’re happy and enthusiastic
- Feeling as if you didn’t put the effort into relationships, people would forget about you
- Wishing things were different or that if you were someone else, life would be easier
- The urge to isolate
- Rebel against people and scenarios in anger
- Criticize and blame people to justify your separateness
- Not going after goals you want in life because people like you don’t get to achieve these things anyway
- Periods of anxiety
- Periods of depression
- Using unhealthy coping behaviours such as shopping, binge eating, self-harm, self-punishment, excessive alcohol or substance abuse, and so on
- Suicidal thoughts or ideation
All of these scenarios are extremely painful and seem to reinforce how forgettable you are. What have been the costs in your life to hold the belief that you don’t belong? This is a serious question. Pause and reflect on the damage done to live your life under this belief.
What people, places, adventures and opportunities have you denied because you were told and you decided at some time that you don’t belong? How does recognizing these costs make you feel now?
You may notice there is a part of you that wants to feel differently. That wants to be a needed and wanted part of a community. That wants to matter to someone. That wants to rely on other people and receive their warmth and love while at the same time feel worthy of it.
These changes may feel out of reach but are totally achievable. We can help you get there. Imagine a group of supportive friends and family, being respected at work, and being treated you how you want to be treated. Imagine smiling as you read a message from a friend who is texting just to check in on you. How does simply imagining this feel to you? Exciting? Scary? Something you would like to strive for?
Let us help you recognize your value, and feel a sense of belonging, by clicking here to book an appointment.
