Does online couples counseling actual work? If you find yourself in a pattern wherein you continually choose the wrong partner over and over again, online counselling can definitely help you.
Freud called this subconscious pattern of choosing the same thing over and over again repetition compulsion. Compulsions – or the irresistible urge to behave or seek the same thing over and over – in a relationship can arise for primarily three reasons:
- The chaos of the relationship is familiar to your subconscious and maybe even your conscious mind. You have a certain comfort level with this type of relationship even if you consciously don’t like it.
- Your subconscious mind is trying to repair a past traumatic or unresolved relationship by trying to make current, similar, relationships work. This can end up re-traumatizing you.
- The experience you had in the past caused different parts inside of you to fight against your beliefs (I am a bad vs I am good). It’s often easier to externalize or project these thoughts onto another person than to hold this battle for ourselves.
Of course, the repetition compulsive process is mainly held at a subconscious level. Consciously, once we are aware of these patterns, we may be plagued by thoughts such as:
- What is wrong with me?
- Why does this keep happening to me?
- Am I normal?
- Why do I keep finding losers?
- What is wrong with me that I can’t ever find the right person?
- How can I stop this from happening again?
Trust me, if you’ve had any of these thoughts, you are completely normal. Did you know that according to some researchers, most (around 95%) of the people who seek mental health services including online counselling have some anxiety and insecurity in relationships with friends, family, coworkers, and romantic partners? In addition, the anxiety that shows up in one relationship, often show up in multiple relationships.
Where does this anxiety come from? Not looking “good enough”? Dating apps? The ease of swiping right? Believe it or not, although these modern-day concerns can contribute, most of our anxiety in relationships stems back to our infancy and our early relationships with our primary caregiver. Often times this is a mother, but it can also be a father or grandparent.
We don’t need to blame our caregivers for anything or everything, but we can examine the survival strategies (more on this in a sec) we developed as infants to explain the patterns we experience today. What’s the point? The point is to repair maladaptive patterns in favour of new ones that can help us create the relationships we want.
So what exactly are survival strategies? Survival strategies (AKA adaptive functioning or attachment patterns) are behaviours infants learn to perform or inhibit in order to secure attention, attachment and caregiving from the people that can keep them alive. Sounds useful, right?
Well, to a point. These strategies are useful when we as infants. Infants are literally, 100% totally dependent on others for survival. Human beings as a whole have the longest span of childhood years compared to all other mammals. A human baby could not live without caregiving from the people in their environment. Therefore, human offspring are evolutionary wired to be highly sensitive to the demands of their caregivers, and learn perform behaviours that will ensure their own survival.
Research has shown infants as young as 2 months old can learn and exhibit survival strategies. For instance, if a caregiver wants to train an infant to not expect instant attention, the caregiver might let them cry for up to minutes on end. What would typically happen then, is the intensity of the infant’s cries will initially increase. If no one attends to the infant, the infant will eventually give up and stop crying. Parents are positively reinforced that their “training” of the infant worked – they got their baby to “calm down” and not need attention.
But inside is a different story. The unattended infant who gave up may appear to be a good, calm on the outside, but on the inside, their physiology including their stress hormones, are significantly elevated. This is a baby who is internally wrought with stress, anxiety and feelings of abandonment.
If the parents or caregivers continue with this training, the more ingrained the infant’s knowing that no one will rescue me, will be ingrained. The good baby is further reinforced when they receive more praise and attention when they behave in a way that suits the adults’ needs. To an infant, receiving praise and attention is literally ensuring their survival. The more this happens, the more the pattern sets in – being good for other people ensures I can get what I need and survive in this relationship. Very quickly, the infant develops a survival strategy. This strategy then forms the basis around which the child’s personality forms.
If an infant learns to change and/or inhibit their behavior to ensure survival, what happens when they are 3, 4, 5,… and 10? Would they perhaps learn to prioritize others’ needs over their own? Would they dismiss themselves and their needs, sometimes not even aware they have any needs at all, to ensure connection with others? Are these early survival strategies helpful or even useful as a child grows?
If you are someone that experiences anxiety in relationships, how is this information impacting you? Do any of these pattern sound familiar? Have you seen this pattern in someone you know, or even yourself?
If this sounds like you, let’s now fast-forward though the teen years, your 20s, 30s, and beyond – how does this pattern show up in your current relationships? Do you find yourself constantly ignoring your own needs to meet others’ expectations of you? Are you worried you will lose your partner or friends if the real “you” shows up? Are you afraid of abandonment or rejection? Are relationships painful, anxiety-provoking, and disappointing?
If you answered yet to any of these questions, what would you be willing to do to permanently change this pattern in your life? Are you willing and ready to identify, process and let go of any pattern that isn’t serving you or contributing to your life in a meaningful way?
Here is where counselling can help. Even better, online counselling, where you can get the help you need from the comfort of your own home. These survival strategies are ideal to work through via online counselling.
Change is possible but can be scary. The relationship you have with your online counsellor can make the process easier and more satisfying. All you need is the desire to want something better for yourself. If you are the kind of person that likes to use insights to take action and make meaningful improvements in your life, let us help you understand and break does these patterns (while keeping the aspects that serve you), show up as the real you in relationships, and increase your happiness.
