What makes a marriage successful? Why do roughly half of all marriages in North America work, and the other half don’t? What makes a relationship start out well but over time the quality of the union erodes?
Great romance, even better communication, low-conflict, great problem-solving skills, physical attraction, similar faith…Are any or all of these qualities important when you decide to get married? More or less, sure! But according to actual research studies conducted by the Gottman Institute, all of these factors pale in comparison to the one key element that actually make a significant difference in the quality of a relationship.
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, authors John Gottman and Nan Silver describes the myths and truths surrounding what makes a marriage work, how to predict divorce, and how to avoid it. It’s almost a step-by-step roadmap that promises you the final destination: A successful relationship.
Gottman and Silver discovered the number one key element to a long and successful relationship, the low-hanging fruit so-to-say, the meat and bones of any solid relationship is: Friendship.
Friendship. Who knew that something so seemingly obvious can be the key to marital happiness? For those that might not recognize what an ambiguous term like friendship might mean, it is simply, a connection with someone who you enjoy spending time with.
Over years and years of relationship studies through the Gottman Institute, results have consistently shown:
- For wives, the quality of the couple’s friendship determines 70% of the satisfaction with physical intimacy, romance, and passion in their marriage.
- For husbands, the quality of the couple’s friendship determines 70% of the satisfaction in their marriage.
- In non-heterosexual couples, these results still stand (there are some other differences in power and emotions in LGBT+ relationships, but not in terms of friendship and satisfaction).
So, how does one even assess friendship in a couple? Take a few minutes to complete the Gottman Love Map Questionnaire. Even better if you get both members of the couple to do it:
Instructions: By giving honest answers to the following questions, you will get a sense of the quality of your current love maps. For the most accurate reading of how your marriage is doing on this first principle, both of you should complete the following.
Read each statement, and circle T for “true” or F for “false.”
- I can name my partner’s best friends. T F
- I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing. T F
- I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately. T F
- I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams. T F
- I am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs and ideas. T F
- I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life. T F
- I can list the relatives my partner likes the least. T F
- I know my partner’s favorite music. T F
- I can list my partner’s three favorite movies. T F
- My spouse is familiar with my current stresses. T F
- I know the three most special times in my partner’s life. T F
- I can tell you the most stressful thing that happened to my partner as a child. T F
- I can list my partner’s major aspirations and hopes in life. T F
- I know my partner’s major current worries. T F
- My spouse knows who my friends are. T F
- I know what my partner would want to do if he or she suddenly won the lottery. T F
- I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner. T F
- Periodically I ask my partner about his or her world right now. T F
- I feel that my partner knows me pretty well. T F
- 2My spouse is familiar with my hopes and aspirations. T F
Scoring: Give yourself 1 point for each “true” answer.
Results:
10 or higher: This is an area of strength for your marriage. You have a fairly detailed map of your spouse’s everyday life, hopes, fears, and dreams. You know what makes your spouse “tick.” Based on your score, you’ll probably find the love map exercises that follow easy and gratifying. They will serve as a reminder of how connected you and your partner are. Try not to take for granted this knowledge and understanding of each other. Keeping in touch in
this way ensures you’ll be well equipped to handle any problem areas that crop up in your relationship.
Below 10: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. Perhaps you never had the time or the tools to really get to know each other. Or perhaps your love maps have become outdated as your lives have changed over the years. In either case, by taking the time to learn more about your spouse now, you’ll find your relationship becomes stronger.
How was the experience of completing that questionnaire for you? Were you surprised by anything? Disappointed or upset by the results? How do you think your individual answers and/or total score reflects the quality of friendship in your relationship?
If your score was lower than what you had hoped, the Gottman Institute suggests reviving the sense of friendship in your relationship in the following ways:
- Nurture your fondness and admiration. Fondness and admiration are two crucial ingredients in a long-lasting marriage. Most – we are talking 94% – of people who look back on their relationship history will see their future positively. Looking back over your relationship, what stands out as happy positive moments? Do you still do things as a couple that once gave you pleasure?
- Remind yourself daily of your spouse’s positive qualities – can you list three things right now that you admire about your partner? If not, can you make a point to notice 3 things each day that you appreciate about your partner? Try this for a week and see how it goes.
- If that fails, can you at least acknowledge that this the person you have chosen to commit yourself to. So for the moment, if you can’t love them, or admire them, repeat to yourself – this is my teammate. This is who I live with (or am committed to) and it is in my best interest to make it work.
- Foster the fundamental belief that your partner is worthy of love and respect. Regardless if your partner is doing or not doing what you want, your partner deserves the acknowledgment that they are worthy of love and respect simply for being human. They are not better than you. They are not worse than you. They are the same as. They deserve as much respect as you do, no matter how egregious you deem their actions to be.
- Catch your partner doing the things that make you happy and amplify it – tell them out loud how much you appreciate it. How have you expressed your appreciation to them lately?
- If there are past hurts and triggers that need to be processed, contacting a clinical counsellor to help you get to the place where these can be processed and you can work on fondness and admiration may be necessary.
- Finally, if you have trouble implementing any of these strategies on our own but you are interested in developing them and other strategies to improve the quality of your relationship– don’t hesitate to reach out to a qualified professional.
Still need more help to improve your relationship and ensure its success? Book an appointment with one of our counsellors today.
